Ass Pocket
I have always found myself fascinating. I have always wanted to write a book, lord knows living in dysfuntion junction I have enough material. My ADHD has rendered a book impossible. I thought I would be great as a column writer, but was never sure how to get that going. How does one parlay to an editor how fabulous one is based purely on self interpretation? Thankfully, the web has enabled me to rant, rave and ridicule at my leisure! So here it goes!
I will start with the obsession of the ass pocket.
Since I can remember, life was all about the ass pocket, actually, the name on the ass pocket. Some how this piece of fabric really is the first identity marker. Now, as as child, I was rather large. I had really big ass pockets, usually with the word “husky” after it. Husky was later replace by the small brown label on the levi’s that actually let everyone know exactly what size you needed to encase yourself. You see where I am going with this? I remember trying to write in my own number and turning a 4 into a 0, albeit unsuccessfully. I think some 4th graders didn’t notice. From there we moved into the Calvins and Gloria vanderbuilt jeans. I know Brooke, no one gets between you and your Calvins, but I couldn’t get my foot into Calvins, Gloria Vanderbilt’s or anything other than my “husky” Levi’s. (I later told Ms. Vanderbilt of my dilema, and she laughed a hearty laugh outlined in perfection with deep red lipstick) Despite knowing that my entire life would change by owning that upside down triangle, Guess jeans would also never hang in my closet. Just when I thought I would be wearing Levi’s for my entire life, the Gap was created! There was no fancy stitching or pesky labels announcing fluctuating sizes or life changing emblems. I could breath a sigh of relief.
I coasted a while in my Gap jeans when I wasn’t swathed in Laura Ashley skirts. I had no worries. Of course it had to come to an end. I remember the day like it was yesterday. I went to a huge mall with a friend. She had it all together: fancy ass pockets and great shoes. There I was, following her through Nordstrom like a lost puppy in my Gap jeans and tretorns: completely unfashionable but pretty oblivious that the Preppy Handbook was out of print for a reason. My stylish friend pulled out 3 pairs of fancy ass jeans and plunked them down on the counter. I am no fool, I worked at the gap after all, I knew retail. I mean, I was thinking $130 with tax…….holy crap. The sales girl said sweetly and nonchalantly, because she says it all day, “$400 please. Shall I put the receipt in the bag?” I really didn’t know what to do. This was way too fancy for my New England self. She walked out saying some bullshit about how they fit better. I happily went back to following her, knowing a treat was coming.
The brown label on my levis telling everyone the size has been replaced with fancy stitching telling everyone how much they cost….and how much money you had (or how much room on your credit card.). The best thing was that instead of trying to fake it, like my levis, I just thought it was nuts. Getting older is better.
As everything improves, so has the ass pocket. Now we have combined fancy stitching with glitter! Now there is the super fancy ass pocket! This about sends me into fits of hysteria when I see these older, my age, babes strutting their stuff with a big glittery ass pocket! As I rant, rave and ridicule, I often think back to those Guess Jeans and how my life would have been changed had I been allowed to purchase them. I think I am better off for not ever having the fancy ass pocket.
What will the next improvement be? How can glitter ass pockets be topped?
